Time

The glorious, sockless day we had on Monday gave way yesterday to the longest rain I’ve experienced in months. Today, purported to be partly sunny and with temperatures in the 60s(!), is presently neither, and I’m shivering inside on my couch. I just can’t bear to put on another sweater.

I’m worrying about the boys as, under the premise of warmth, they both wore short-sleeved shirts today. Fortunately they have their fleece-lined coats, and I do hope they have them on. Nutmeg peed in my US Presidents puzzle box, so I imagine he’s been struck by another UTI, a dear friend is sad, and my list of to-dos is miles long.

Because of all that, I’m quite happy to stay inside today. I am vexed as to why there seems to be so much going on right now. Did I get behind during the snow- and conference days? Is no season calm in this day and age?

I’ve been working like a beast in preparation for Em-i-lis 2.0 to go live in the very near future (hint: weekend). That’s surely part of this busyness, and it’s all been a complete pleasure. T and I have been trying to see friends and go out more regularly which is fun too. The boys, largely activity-free, stay up a bit later these days which I know is the normal progression of child development, but it does take back some of the quiet, alone time at night before I must go to bed too.

Oliver’s birthday and party are quickly approaching, and I’ve got swim noodles to transform into light sabers and foam-core and paper lantern Star Wars aircraft to spray paint gray and then detail. T and I have Ol’s “Roots” presentation to give at school this Friday, so I need to bake a related snack for that and then also remember to send cupcakes in next Tuesday for Ol’s birthday treat. Jack is heading on an overnight field trip to Jamestown, so I must remember to get his sleeping bag and gear ready and a bag lunch packed.

Then on to Oliver’s annual well-child exam and some school events before spring break commences a week from this Friday. Why on earth after long winters full of snow days the school doesn’t hold classes the Friday before break begins is beyond me.

In the midst of all this scurrying about, I start to fret. I don’t want to run solely on this wheel-for-others quite so often and for quite so long. I love tending to my family, and I take pride in my home. I enjoy grocery shopping, delight in crafting homemade birthdays for my boys, and don’t even mind doing the laundry because T is so great about folding it all when he gets home from work. But I haven’t seen the off-ramp to Self Time much in recent weeks, and I’m struggling to fit in the cooking and writing I miss.

There are so many things I want to do in this life. I have an abundance of interests, places I want to see, subjects about which I want to learn. I panic sometimes that I won’t get to them all, that if I let things slide, I’ll miss opportunities now and in the future.

Meanwhile, I know how fleeting the present is. My baby is about to turn SIX and will head to first grade in September. I’m having trouble wrapping my head around that one and am grateful he still wants to hold my hand when we walk. My big boy is so capable and sturdy; I mean, what has happened to his feet and legs? All of a sudden, they feel different. I swear. His feet have no pudge, no softness anywhere except for the smooth skin covering them. His calves are young man calves now, muscles and sinew of a completely different kind that remain in Ol’s younger legs. He still tells me publicly that he loves me, and I hold on to those with both hands and a whole heart because even if he doesn’t feel himself growing up, I see and feel it.

It’s tough to hold these disparate truths in the balance I try to strike each day. To appreciate the past, remain in the present and look forward to and plan for the future.