15 May 2020: Daily Tale + Hilarity

Y’all, I do not even know where to start re: today, so I will simply start at the beginning with an earnest trip to Home Depot (even though I hate the founder, that shitty trumper human) to curbside pickup an order Tom placed last night.

I told my dear husband to measure the panel he was buying to refurbish our ancient garden shed. Charitably, because he is a smart man, I will say that he chose not to do that because pretty immediately, both I and the Home Depot guy could tell we were going to have to tie the 48” x 96” panel to my Prius’ roof. Everyone feigned confidence, but when he asked, “how far are you driving?” I knew this was not an optimal situation.

One mile, and 25 mph, into the four miles home, it was clear to me that the panel was serving as a car sail that I did not want. It was moving front to back, and the wispy plastic ties hanging into my car were growing limper by the minute. I did not wish to fly anywhere.

I put my flashers on and crept along the shoulder for a bit. Then, my highway met another highway, and I just couldn’t fathom taking my sail-car into the maelstrom. I pulled into a tiny triangle of neutral ground, pressed the hazard light button twice as if it were going to magnify the damn flasher impact, and called Tom.

This does not look like much, but the speed limit on both sides is 65 and it’s like the 405 meeting the 1.

No answer. He was, I knew, in yet another Zoom meeting.

I called my friend K. Straight to voicemail.

I made a Marco Polo video for D and A, filming the evidence of 18 wheelers racing past me on both sides at the confluence of two major, multi-lane roads.

I called Jack. He who never answers answered. I told him to knock on the door and tell Dad I really needed to talk to him. I literally heard Tom say, “I can call Mom in 2 minutes.”

I called K again. She picked up and in minutes we’d switched to FaceTime so that she could see the panel sail atop my car, the ginormous trucks whizzing by, and commiserate with my predicament. Because she is amazing, she measured her SUV trunk. This ludicrous panel would not fit there either. Oliver called while I was on with K.

Tom called back and said he would come immediately. I sent him a screenshot of my location: my ludicrous triangular niche in the middle of mayhem.

I called Ol back. He excitedly told me about the winching ratchet Tom had located. “Ol, has Dad left yet?” “No, mamma.”

WTF?

I called K back. I left another Marco Polo. I was not super-concerned, but at the same time, I really hoped every other driver was paying attention.

Finally Tom arrived, winched on some forearm forklift straps and agreed to drive the sail-car home. I drove his and felt liberated.

Then I spent four hours scraping old paint and rust off one third of one or our iron railings. Have mercy. #coronaviruslife

HILARIOUS:

A famous song, decoded.

Delightful:

Brothers enjoying an orange soda more than even seems possible is a full-tank gas refill.

Totally: