What is happening? #blacklivesmatter

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am sick to my stomach right now. My head is spinning with fury and sadness. Over and over I hear the brave composure, the fear, the pain, and then, the crushing grief in Diamond Reynolds' voice during her brave filming* of her boyfriend's (Philando Castile) murder by a policeman in Minnesota. Castile was a well-liked school cafeteria worker with no criminal record other than a previous fine for not having car insurance.

Castile and Reynolds, driving home with Reynolds' young daughter in the backseat, were pulled over for a broken tail light. The cop demanded to see Castile's license and registration at which point Castile informed the officer that he did have a properly licensed firearm with him and that he was reaching for his wallet only. The cop shot Castile in the arm, screaming at him not to move. Three more bullets in quick succession, and Castile begins to bleed out in the car, in front of his girlfriend and her child. He dies slumped over the console and into the back seat.

Reynolds continues to film, the agitated cop screaming in the background, as back-up police arrive. She is unbelievably polite as the cop yells at her to keep her hands where he can see them. She is restrained, composed, calm in a way no one should have to be in the face of such danger and cruelty.

She is ordered out of the car, hands up. She is ordered to kneel and be handcuffed. She is not allowed to hold her daughter, the cops don't answer her when she asks about her child.

This happens less than 48 hours after Alton Sterling is shot and killed by policemen in Louisiana. Like Castile, Sterling was not holding a gun although it seems he had one in his pocket. He was selling CDs in a parking lot when the cops arrived. They tackle and, according to some, taser him, screaming “I swear to God if you fucking move!” He does not reach for his gun. He is quickly shot six times at point-blank range. He bleeds out and dies in the parking lot.

Eric Garner, Freddie Gray, Laquan Donald, Michael Brown, Walter Scott, Tamir Rice...The list grows, black men and women and children slain by cops who rarely receive more punishment than paid administrative leave. PAID! The cops who shot Castile and Sterling do NOT deserve payment; they deserve to be fired and imprisoned and held accountable for taking lives.

Meanwhile, mass shootings continue, Congress refuses to discuss gun violence, control or reform, the NRA sits back and laughs, rolling in piles of money, willfully blind to and unconcerned about the blood on their hands. Donald Trump fans the flames of bigotry and intolerance and division, and people cheer. They cheer!

I don't have any way of understanding this. Hatred isn't going to make anyone do better in life. It's not going to increase paychecks or bring peace. It's not going to make anyone safer.

Our country is falling apart, riven by those racing backward in time to an age of overt racism and classism and horror. Where is a collective sense of self? Why are so many excluded from that? Where is our empathy? Our revulsion? Our willingness to do the right thing regardless of political party? The right and moral thing isn't political; it's justice. It's being our best selves.

Guns are everywhere. The police, tasked with serving and protecting, are killing and abusing all too often. All too often, black Americans are treated like dirt. They fear for their children, their lives, and their futures in a way I simply don't believe whites can understand. This is grossly unjust. This is not something to perpetuate. This is not an America that makes me proud. It is an America that frightens and disgusts me. We should be better than this.

*The videos, especially Reynolds', are extremely difficult to watch, but I urge you to if you can. Hear her pain. Hear the pain of a people oppressed and hated and mistreated. This has got to stop. #blacklivesmatter

Thanks to Adam Ortiz for sharing the gorgeous St. Vincent Millay stanza above.

Two things I want to show you; long car trip finally over

We left our home at 10:30 this morning and brought our suitcases up the North Carolina house stairs at 8:15 tonight. Mother of bizness- that is too long in a car.

Thank goodness for the Stuart Gibbs book on tape we had (Space Case; very enjoyable, even for adults) , iPads, and that random Target we found somewhere in Virginia. Horrible traffic on 95S and I had the worst case of motion sickness I've had in ages. Target provided me Dramamine which knocked me out but did cure the vomitous nausea. 

In any case, we are here now, the boys are tucked in, the rest of T's family arrives tomorrow, and our fourth -fifth?- annual beach week has commenced. 

Such a pretty evening

I read this BuzzFeed list of Scottish tweets back to Donald Trump post Brexit and laughed so hard, for so long that I nearly passed out. As such, I feel it would be terribly remiss of me not to share in case you haven't seen it and to urge you to read and snort uproariously one or eleven times. 

I mean, "@realDonaldTrump SCOTLAND VOTED TO STAY, YOU WITLESS FUCKING COCKSPLAT."? Hilarious!

Secondly, during today's interminable drive, we also listened to a great NPR podcast from Invisibilia. Called The New Norm, the show was about invisible emotional structures that dictate and/or influence individual behaviors in public. 

Two stories were embedded in the overall feature: one about opening the first McDonald's in Moscow and how difficult it was to convince the employees to adopt the very American greet-with-a-smile customer service; and the other, the one to which I want to draw your attention, about one rig foreman's attempt to change the rigidly Southern-masculine personas Louisiana and Mississippi oilmen often constrict themselves by. FASCINATING! Do yourself a favor, and listen to this. 

The dark side and the light, in sleepovers, Star Wars and politics

It can be utterly hilarious to eavesdrop on little kids’ conversations. Last night, for the first time, each of the boys had a friend sleep over, and not five minutes in I heard,

“H, anus is the scientific word for butthole.”
“Oh!”
HAHAHAHHAHA.

This morning, H and O had an indecipherable conversation that involved banter like…

“You are a woman, a woman!”
“Come down, woman!”

Meanwhile, the news broke that J and W stayed up until 11 playing Scrabble and now have grand plans to write a book about the “bestest” worst grammar possible.

There were zero qualms about sharing beds but enormous strategy involved in who would change into pajamas where. And what did happen to the toothpaste cap when it fell down the sink drain? And just how many brownies can little boys eat?

I think my favorite thing was watching the big boys play so nicely with the little ones. I’m not going to go so far as to say tender, but they were totally welcoming: “Oh yes, play light sabers with us, but beware because we will beat the tar out of you just the same as we will each other.”

I’ve witnessed this sort of caring interaction even more than usual lately because of all the school holiday concerts, parties and times of togetherness. In each I’ve seen so much difference –race, creed, age- literally hold hands and celebrate the varied beauty we all have. It gives me hope.

Which I need and appreciate because if one’s only hope barometer were American politics, you’d see little beyond imminent destruction and horror.

The fear, lies, and loathing being spouted so carelessly by every single person running for the Republican presidential nomination as well as by way too many of the Americans who support them are grotesque. Isolationist. Short-sighted. Just plain mean.

The whole spectacle is mortifying. And disillusioning. And sad.

It is completely antithetical to the true ideals of this country, to what we should be striving for, to what we need to be teaching and modeling for our kids, to the variegated populace that calls America home.

I find myself deeply confused by the judgmental hate out there. Truly, I don’t understand. When people scream about banning Muslims from entering our country, are they actively ignoring/disavowing the many wonderful Muslim families currently in our communities? Or the acts of terrorism perpetrated here by white supremacists and extremist Christians? Do they choose not to look toward the Middle East and see what happens when two sides dig their heels in and teach nothing but hate generation after generation?

I think so, because if they're aware of fundamentalist Muslim acts of violence, then surely they've not missed the news that (white) Dylann Roof shot up a black church and a (white) lunatic religious fanatic shot up a Planned Parenthood or the on-loop massacres between Jews and Muslims in Israel and its neighbors.

Can’t we agree that ALL such acts are horrifying? Despicable? Worthy of seething disdain? The problem is fundamentalism of all stripes. Peace lies in the middle, in that gray space of nuance and the willingness to accept difference and, at the least, simply deal with it.

I’m not talking about relativism which is a horror in its own right. Not everything is OK. Not even close. And I, too, am sick of crazy, ISIS-supporting Muslims, like all sane people are. Including the majority of Muslims worldwide, by the way.

In the U.S., we have many freedoms, of religion and speech to name a couple important ones, and I’m nearly stark-raving mad over all the selective kindness and acceptance going on right now. You can dislike something and still just kinda keep that to yourself if it's not endangering the country. Hypocrisy is ugly, people. It's tiring and often offensive.

Also, it’s OK to want to ban an entire religious group but it’s not OK to put any restrictions on guns? Nope. That is not only statistical ignorance but also bigotry, plain and simple. The people who want to both ban Muslims and welcome guns everywhere are myopic, choosing to see only see what they know and/or prefer. And the way that’s taking shape in the Republican presidential-contender realm is gun-obsessed, Christian whiteness, as far as the eyes can see. #notrepresentative

Do you think I want to pay so much in taxes? I do not. But I do it because A) it’s the law and B) it’s for the greater good. Everyone should be able to drive on paved roads and have access to public schools and transportation, bridges that don’t collapse, police- and firemen who come in times of need.

That’s civics, people. Which is part of our country’s democracy. As is welcoming people in need and whose diverse backgrounds make us stronger, richer, more interesting, better (or even people like Melania Trump who, as far as I can tell, is lovely but adds nothing other than lovely wife'iness to the U.S.). As in restricting gun purchases in the same way we do driver’s licenses.

When kids don’t grow up valuing and celebrating diversity of all sorts, it’s only the adults who are to blame. Parents, teachers, politicians, public figures. Their behavior is what kids watch and emulate. It’s a job, y’all. A big one. But it’s so empowering because it means we can teach away from hate and small-mindedness. Towards global community and appreciation. There is plenty of room for conservatism in there. 

I enjoyed three separate holiday concerts at the kids’ school during the past two weeks. During each, Jewish kids sang Kwanzaa songs, and Muslim kids sang Christmas songs, and white kids sang African hymns, and everyone sang Winter songs. Their voices ranged from shaky to angelic, their hands from jazzy to tightly clasped around one another’s.

And it was magnificent. It moved me to tears both because of the hope and beauty within but also because I’m not so naïve to realize that it’s not somewhat a bubble. It’s not the norm, and my heart hurts for that fact.

Today, after the boys’ buddies left (and we realized just how sleep-deprived and insane the kids we had to spend the rest of the day with were), the four of us went to see Star Wars. Jack wore his Jedi pants and brought a light saber, and both wore a Darth Vader shirt. Tom and I were as excited as were they.

Oliver focused, as usual, solely on his food

As the opening rolled, I got goose bumps and sat a little taller in my chair. I reached for Ol’s hand and held it tight.

And during the two-plus hours of the film (quite good; not amazing; infinitely better than the horrific three prequels), I thought about how very much like the real world Star Wars actually is, minus the intergalactic magic and such. Except the best values and the best team really does come out on top.

It deals with the same concepts of evil and good, fear and tolerance. It values loyalty over sameness, ability over gender or racial likeness. There are real life lessons in there, and one is left with hope.

We can have that in real life too. We simply need to choose the light and cast the dark aside.