My sons

I have spent various snatches of this morning attempting to organize my and Jack's desks. We traded because I needed a desk with drawers and he wanted a white desk to better go with the new vision he has for his room. A win-win, but it prompted the removal and unpacking of half a room (because we also switched the location of his desk and dresser); I am flabbergasted by all that child has managed to sock away in there since we moved in in February. And I thought Oliver was the hoarder.

Anyway, I got out my label maker, turned it on, and was greeted by the last phrase printed: USS Anus.

People, I am still laughing. I have no idea which child wrote that or for which ship it was destined. #boys

I would also like to share with you the latest persuasive writing exercise by which I was tested: a 4-part manifesto on all the reasons Jack needs yet another Fitbit.

Let me first say that unless your child needs to track his or her steps for health purposes, a 4th grader does not need a Fitbit. As such, T and I insisted that Jack purchase his own Fitbit, and so he searched and found a "bargain" one. It arrived, and we returned it one week later. You really can't cheap out on some things.

The second was a branded FitBit from the very low end of their price spectrum. It's the one you clip to your pocket rather than wear on your wrist. Jack swore this was the best choice because "then I can still wear the watch I bought at Cinecittà. I don't want to wear two things on one wrist or one thing on each wrist." Fair enough.

For who knows what reason, my dear son has recently gotten a burr in his butt about needing a new Fitbit. "I'll pay for it, Mom," he wept recently. "No, son, this is where I save you and your hard-earned money from yourself. The answer is no."

Which resulted in this:

He's good, isn't he? Even though my answer remains a resolute "No!" I admit to being momentarily swayed by all the sweetness and light. 

Diary of a move, 6: A sick child in the mix, aka How Odd Squad makes a day go by, and Why emojis and hashtags are awesome

Alright y'all. Last night, I went to the State of the School being hosted by the head of school and the Parents Association. It constituted the social highlight of my past two weeks if you don't count my visit to the 2nd District police station or the meeting with various folks associated with readying my home for the wilds of the DC market. 

I came home so happy to watch Downton with T and then dive into bed. The snow days and packing and sick Ol and a shocking trip to the gym had conspired to make me seriously exhausted, and eager beaver is a vast understatement when considering just how to describe my mindset about bedtime last night.

Surely you know where this is headed. Naturally it involves a profound lack sleep, holding my darling boy as he booted responsibly into the toilet, cuddling his feverish-with-chills body until he was able to sleep, Percy barking and then peeing, Nutmeg mewing and then puking, and finally, finding an insane looking Jack pretending to do math at the kitchen table at 5:55am.

Do not even think I believed his protestations, y'all. I am certain he was not actually attempting to do his homework but rather planning to collect his daily gold ration in Clash of Clans or whatever. #momsalwaysknow

Ol stayed home again today, and I admit that I let him watch approximately nine hours of Odd Squad. His brains are probably oozing from his ears right now as he sleeps. I'm likely to find a brain-crusted pillow tomorrow morning (or, who am I kidding, later tonight when that bitchy fever wakes him) because I just decided to let.it.go. 

My little bug felt like such crap today, and I really did need to paint the powder room and clean the yard so there you have it. He did learn to count by 3s. #winning #momofyear

I admit to being wholly gaga right now. The room is spinning and I've only had one, much-deserved bourbon. I'm telling y'all, February. #suckmonth

As an aside, can we talk about how much I love hashtags and emojis? It's an emphatic love, a wildly enthusiastic, unadulterated joy love. I adore words and long, flowing sentences, and gorgeous language and all that jazz. But sometimes -think cuss words versus their vanilla kin- you just need/want to make.the.point.

Like, if we were to have another snow day tomorrow, I would definitely text my friend, Annie, the revolver or bomb emoji. No words needed. The picture says everything AND makes you laugh.

If my friend, Anne, and I are gossiping about something, we will text each other a simple train emoji (or, let's be honest, about 90 train emojis, including all varieties of them), to symbolize that we are on the bullet train to hell.

If my friend, Jennie, reminds me of the one story that both nearly got us in trouble AND to this day makes us laugh until we cry, we text the tears-down-the-laughing-face emoji. 

And so forth and so on. I mean, just today with my girlfriend, Diara, I used two separate horse emojis and a heart. You cannot say what we meant in three words. Nor should you have to.

I LOVE the freaking emojis, though don't get me started on why there is not a pie emoji. WTF?!

If you cannot tell, I am beyond punchy. I am so damn tired I don't know my name. I best go get the salmon out of the oven and stop eating all the allspice- and cinnamon-roasted butternut squash before T gets home. 

Diary of a move, 4

I needed to go to the 2nd District Police Station today to print the moving van parking permits I'd applied for online earlier this week. My confirmation said to simply go to the station and use the lobby kiosk to do so.

I hadn't been to this station since Jack's 5th birthday. He was heavily into law enforcement at that time and in addition to a police- and crime-themed scavenger hunt birthday party (complete with badges, rear view sunglasses and walkie-talkies), he wanted to suit up in his police outfit and visit our district's police. 

Bemusedly, we obliged, and costumed Jack dragging Oliver into the station by his tiny, two-year-old hand remains one of my favorite pictures. 

Back then, the front doors just opened; you didn't have to be buzzed in or show ID or anything. So today, when I got there, dressed cutely in workout pants and my Patagonia puff jacket, I yanked on that door with such confidence that it would open that I nearly fell over when it most definitely did not. An officer standing outside, talking on her cell phone, called over. "You have to press the button on the right of the door."

"Thank you," I said, as I noticed a sign saying the very same thing hanging high in the upper left corner of one door. 

I pressed the button but nothing happened, and finally, the chatting officer took pity on me and came over to buzz me in.

Because I am an instructions follower and because my instructions clearly said to use the kiosk in the lobby, I walked to the kiosk in the lobby. I started tapping on the screen but didn't see any information except that related to sex offense. 

A gangly man was weaving in circles throughout the lobby, screaming the f-bomb in an exceedingly jovial manner. Another man lounged at the front desk, talking to the female officer behind the thick glass. She had a fountain of brown and pink braids and did not seem to mind the cussing beanstalk in her lobby.

"Excuse me, ma'am, are you a registered sex offender?" boomed a woman's voice. "Are you a registered sex offender?" she repeated. It occurred to me that she must be asking ME. 

I looked at her and said, "No ma'am," and she replied, "Because that is the kiosk for registered sex offenders. Are you a sex offender?"

"No ma'am, I'm just trying to print parking permits."

"Well, you need to sit at that desk over there!"

Cussing beanstalk was laughing his ass off at this point, still cussing and weaving. Lounging man was definitely chuckling under his breath, and I was still focused on not being a sex offender but also wondering why the permit station was an old computer on a desk and not a freaking kiosk.

I went to Crate & Barrel after leaving and  called one of my best friends to regale her with the experience. We cackled so loudly I had to hide in a corner behind a recliner.

People, this story cracks my business up. I am still laughing and this happened three hours ago. Can you even imagine what all those people said when I left. It's too hysterical to even consider. At least I have my permits.